Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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