my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
