Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
