1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
is your mom at the bar?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
