I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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