please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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