I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
