My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
