You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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