I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
