Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
