I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
