Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
