You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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