They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
