I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
