you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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