Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
