Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
