New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
