Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
