please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
