just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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