I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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