O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
