I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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