Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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