At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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