I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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