Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
