:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's official drugs can't kill me
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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