I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
