I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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