She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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