I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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