I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
