my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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