you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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