I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
