So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
