did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
