Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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