Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
