Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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