dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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