Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
