youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
