; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
sarcasm needs its own font
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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