If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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