She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
