I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
