if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
