I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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