at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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